Dealing With the Loss of a Pet
Dealing with the loss of a pet is a traumatic experience that can cause a deep and grave sense of loss and grieving for adults and children alike. Although most adults realize that they will long outlive their beloved dog or cat; children do not! Young children, who have pets whether they are a fish, pony, cat, dog or lizard see and feel them as part of the family, part of their life. When they die the rock solid foundation of family is shaken at the roots for a child. Why? Because for most kids until this happens they do not realize that death is a fact a life Even worse, children are not equipped to deal with the permanence of death and it can give birth to a great deal of fear and insecurity in their life. Suddenly they are worried about their parents, siblings and extended family dying. They are fearful to leave another pet at home while at school and wonder if dying could happen to them. When you are dealing with the loss of a pet it is imperative that it be dealt with compassionately and completely to ensure that your child can grieve and release all the fears and sadness that they feel.
Many people try to hide the death from their children. For a very young child this may work. Although telling them that their dog has run away or is lost can in actuality hurt them even more and for much longer. When a pet dies, being honest is probably best. This way the child has a sense of closure and knowing and can deal with the truth of the matter. It is also important to allow the child to talk about their feelings. Have them draw a picture for their pet, say a prayer or somehow memorialize the life in a way that makes them feel special. Another thing to recognize is that certainly at some point you have scolded your child for not taking care of Fido or not leaving water. In your efforts to teach them responsibility for their pet parents unwittingly make it plausible for a child to blame themselves. They will remember that they forgot to leave water or food out and think that somehow they are to blame for the passing of their pet. They will also realize that there were probably many days where they didn’t have time to play with or pay attention to their pet which will result in them feeling guilty. It is very important to discuss these aspects of pet loss with your children and ease any fears or regrets that they may have. Children need to realize that the death of their pet is not their fault.
Lots of children will react in the immediate moment with a sense of disconnect. Some may not cry or seem upset at all. Others will fall to pieces right before your eyes. Regardless of how a child acts; they should be treated the same. They should be allowed to act out their feelings one way or the other. If they seem unphased then play along with them. Some children will surprise you with their ability to remain matter of factly. Sometimes these children will only feel the loss several weeks or months later. If they are hysterical, comfort them and hold them but do not force them to stop. Basically as a parent it is important to take your cues from the child. At the same time understand that there are probably a lot of other thoughts going on in their head and although they may not voice them; they are certain to disrupt their normal behavior. Staying on the lookout and trying to remain attentive to things they say and do that might be related to the death will help you to ease them through dealing with the loss of a pet.
The other aspect touched on earlier is that often dealing with the loss of a pet is the first experience many children will have with death. They may become clingy or even revert to some younger childhood antics because deep down they are afraid that you may die as well. This is absolutely normal for children. Children may live in denial, show signs of depression and seem to lose interest in other things for a while. All of this is a routine part of the grieving process. Children will feel guilt, wish they had a chance to say good bye and feel like they are being punished. Consider the way your pet died as well. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the death a child may have very different reactions. Whether they find a pet hit by a car or know that their little friend has been sick for a while – the child needs to know that the pet is no longer in pain. Describe your version of Heaven to your child and ensure them that their pet is there. Make sure they know that it is okay to still love and think about their pet as often as they life and that just because the animal has passed away does not mean that the pet no longer exists.
Many parents desperate to fix things will rush out and get a replacement pet. This is something that truly should be the child’s choice. The thought of loving again may frighten a child and parents should try to wait until the child is ready to accept another animal into their heart.
Dealing with the loss of a pet is hard for everyone. Children become deeply connected to their animals and consider them friends. Unfortunately so many of the animals that parents get for children like hamsters, goldfish, rabbits or gerbils have short life spans which eventually means they will have to deal with the loss of their pet. Whatever you do; never behave like the pet was just an animal. Allow the child to bury their pet if they wish and make sure that the death is formalized in any manner they see fit. Otherwise, they will hold regrets for the rest of their life. This will entitle the child to ownership of the pet and allow them to gain closure and eventually acceptance. Depending on your spiritual beliefs it can be a good time to speak of your faith and use spiritual resources to put your child’s mind at ease.
One of the beautiful things about a child is that they see all creatures as equals to them. They easily talk to dogs and the bird flying overhead and they feel absolutely understood by the animals around them. Your child has probably had many conversations with their pet and some share more with their favorite dog than they do their parents. The human bond between man and animal is extremely tight and children are no exception. Parents need to be very careful to not underestimate the relationship their child had with their animal and should always feel comfortable referring to the animal as a friend and family member. As the grieving period begins to close and a child comes in touch with just how permanent death is they will undoubtedly grow up some. Dealing with the loss of a pet can be the first indicator of just how sensitive, soulful and compassionate your child really is.
David Beart is the owner of the PetYak. Our site covers pet related topics ranging from cats to dog information, birds and fish.